Saturday, December 28, 2019

Holiday Blues

Upfront note:

I recognize that a big issue with social media is the positive spin everyone places on their lives, thereby making most people that visit social media feel worse of themselves as they are not living as glamorous a life as what they see, I'm "keeping it real" here.  Truth be told, I am having some "holiday blues" and it so happens that my normal support systems are not available right now, so I decided to blog instead.

Long story short, the holidays were markedly *different* this year and I had a hard time with it.  Last year, even though Suzy was aggressively pursuing the divorce, we played nice during Christmas - the family staying under the same roof, went to Christmas Eve service, and I cooked a fancy holiday dinner.  Presents were exchanged together (I gave her something she needed, she "went through the motions" out of obligation), even coordinated by the parents.

In contrast, this year was completely segregated.  We did not wish each other a "Merry Christmas", which was weird because it's common to wish that to complete strangers during this time of year.  No gifts exchanged.  No coordination of presents.  She had the kids over the weekend and through Christmas morning, they came to my place at noon.  I did all the stockings.  All in all, Christmas was a success.  Meal turned out great.

I was super busy leading up to all this and the aftermath just feels like a "letdown" right now.

A big part of the reason our relationship went sour is the "near empty nest" syndrome.  I'm still dealing with this still now that we are separated and soon to be divorced.  We share custody of our minor child and frankly even when I have that child, he/she does their own thing.  Case in point, yesterday I dropped off at a birthday party and didn't have any clue when to pick up.  Thus, a wasted day.  This is something I must change.

* * * * * 

I don't expect my next few posts to be sexy or titilating in any way.  Really just for me to process the loss of the relationship, it's underlying causes, and what I think I need to do to "get over it" and what my counselor has told me, and why it's been difficult for me to follow through.

Happy New Year.  I know it's cliche, but 2020 HAS to be the year of a new me.  May God bless.

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Husband, Interrupted

If I have any "fans" out there, I'd like to give an update on the long blog break.

Suzy and I didn't make it.  She filed for divorce and that is proceeding as you might expect.  Do I need to explain?  On the one hand, I've shared some pretty intimate details of our life, and feel like it could benefit "the community"* to answer a few questions for the benefit of those reading.  On the other hand, this is a situation not entirely worked out and therefore "sensitive".  So I'll answer a few questions, in Q&A format:

Unfortunately, things like this just happen.  I never saw myself or our relationship going this way, as I expect is true for all husbands/couples.  I've read a bunch of articles on failed marriages.  From that reading, here are my thoughts.  At the core of it is a value difference that we never addressed.  I think the next biggest causative factor was a big communication gap.  Lastly, I reacted in an unproductive manner to my perceived lack of respect.

Were your "Femdom" fantasies to blame?
I don't believe so.  As you can read from the later blog entries, we were practicing kinky sex through last summer, and I believe she was as into as I was.  In fact, the divorce process has made it clear that Suzy is gonna do what she wants to do, and she's not going to do what she doesn't want to do.

Suzy was always a little hot/cold with sex play.  I would say that her biggest interests were male orgasm denial (using the "honor system") and ball torturing.  She readily accepted the CFNM play.  Our sex life towards then end encompassed all three.  I'm not sure how much I wrote about this, but towards the end of our sexual life, she "forced" me to wear condoms.  I was denied bareback sex for about 3 months or so.  In my fantasy language, I would say that I was downgraded from "husband sex" to "boyfriend sex".  It was a novel way for me to be denied, it put me in sub-space (she was and still is on birth control pills and I am snipped so this was not "necessary"), and I was very turned on by the voyeurism of it (she told me explicitly that it turned her on to watch me put the condom on).  Suzy for her part was never shy about how much she hates semen - mine or other men's.  

Was this a case of cuckolding gone wrong?
I don't believe so. As far as the cuckolding goes, the last time she had sex with another male was December 2016.  The reasons why she stopped are purely for her to comment on but as far as I know she wanted to keep going with this bull, who she had a vivid fantasy of having sex in front of me.  I know that he ended up "flaking" and I do believe that was the straw that broke the hotwife's back.

About six months later, one of her potential playmates came up as "available" and she entertained the idea of cuckolding with him.  She teased me about it a bit, but as far as I know, she never really had a ton of desire to make it happen.  Apart from that, she was uncharacteristically open about talking about her hotwife experiment.  She would sometimes tease me during sex about it (I told her that whenever I'm around her, I get hard; she corrected me and said, "no honey, all men get hard when they're around me"); and she would make references to it ("that's where I got off to see <Friend #6>").

She brought up cuckolding in anger once in an argument.  We've had many arguments.  So given all that, I don't believe that this was a factor.

What did you learn from this?
In a relationship, VALUE ALIGNMENT MATTERS.  That's my number one.  Suzy and I got married right after college.  We were both infatuated with each other.  We did not have heavy talks about alignment on how our family life would be, how we would raise our children, roles and responsibilities in the household, leisure time, and money.  And ultimately those all became big problems.  The communication part, I believe could have been resolved, but the values in our relationship had just been too far out of whack for too long.

Do you have any regrets?
Of course.  This is not what I wanted for my life.  The biggest thing under my control was to cherish her more.  I failed at that, and I unfortunately "own" that as a failure.  Towards the very end, she was clear that she wanted me to tell her that I loved her every day; I did not do that.  I deeply regret that.

What next?  any future blogging plans?
Torn on this one.  I like to write, both from the creative side as to how to structure and word things but also from the therapeutic side.  It helps me thing through things.

Do you want sympathy?
No.  I simple, "hey, I always liked your blog, sorry things didn't work out" would be fine.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

30 Day Summer Denial

Suzy planned a romantic weekend for us last weekend.  Her prior denial of me seems to have been to save up my mojo for this special weekend.  We got upgraded to a suite (sweet!) with a really nice sunset view; we watched the sunset with some bubbly.  We had fun, we each had an orgasm and had some great food and wine.

Right after that, Suzy said that she wanted me to wait 30 days before my next orgasm.  So, that would make it September 10.  It's weird being in the middle of the month thinking that I've had my last orgasm for the month; in fact, I think I will only have had a single orgasm in the month of August.  I may have to start updating the Orgasm Tracker again.

What's a little frustrating in this denial period is that I've not got to experience Suzy's orgasms.  I'm really wanting to go down on her but she's been blowing me off (LOL) and even saying she doesn't want to come.  What!?

On Monday, she did give me a good tease and denial session, stroking my hard cock for a bit, then saying it's time for bed, and her enjoying my hardness against her ass.  On Tuesday, she sorta did an erection check but didn't really stroke me.  And really nothing since then.  So I'm going off the charts horny at this time.  I'm getting plenty of erections thinking about having some play time, and the generous amount of cuddling we're doing.  Suzy's been pretty open to me playing with her D-cup boobs and grabbing her ass and playing with her clothed pussy. 

So, I'm on Day 7 of orgasm denial and my balls do feel full and I'm dripping pre-cum periodically.  I guess you could say, I've had some ups and downs.

Since revving up tease and denial recently, Suzy has asked me a lot: what are you thinking?  I feel that I'm a starving lion and she's a ribeye!  That's what I'm thinking!  Well, I do have a lot of fantasies lately, perhaps the subject of another post.

*  *  *  *  *

What I haven't told Suzy yet is that there is an outside chance that I will have a business travel on Sept 10.  It's somewhat optional, if I didn't want to travel, I could probably be conferenced in, but it's probably better visibility if I go.  I'll probably know on Monday.  Should I go, I'm curious to know how that plays into the dynamic.

Friday, August 10, 2018

"I want you to wait longer"; Meddling kids

We had a fun session last night. Suzy asked me if I masturbated because she didn't feel my erection against her the night before. I hadn't and I was horny as fuck! In fact, I haven't masturbated in months! Horny! I then asked her when was the last time SHE masturbated. She then said that she masturbated in the shower about once a week. I personally think wife masturbation is hot, and when it's more or less forbidden by me, makes it even hotter.  Ah, the "double standard" at work again!

I stripped her jeans/panties off and began teasing her pussy/inner thighs; she said, "I'm not ready for oral"; I said, "no, just giving you some foreplay" to which she said, "foreplay?  what is that?".  She's always a kidder.  

Just after she came, a kid knocked on our door. Good thing she had finished her orgasm! When we were finally able to get back together again, she asked me if I had condoms, to which I sorta fumbled the response (basically I was torn between the loudness of intercourse considering a kid was in the room next door fully awake and the fact that I was so mind-bogglingly horny that I would not last that long).  She later told me that she changed her mind anyway, saying, "I want you to wait longer". She then said she'd like a second orgasm, so I gave her another. I miss the days of multiple female orgasms, and with explicit male denial, it makes me even hotter!  She came a second time, then, LOL, our oldest kid (who doesn't even live with us!) knocked on the door!

Those meddling kids!  When are we gonna be empty nesters?!

Anyway, after dry-humping (which I admitted is sorta pathetic) her for a while with plenty of spilt pre-cum, she gave me some good tease and denial and some light ball smacking. Nothing too serious/intense but she grabbed and played with the loose skin on my scrotum which made my whole package, including my hard cock move around. I love it when my genitals are like a plaything to her! She teased me about how long I might have to wait, I told her how hot it is when she comes, and the more she orgasms the happier I am. 

Fully nude, I then "helped" her dress for bed.  I've blogged about this before, but it really turns me on.  It feels like a master/slave kinda thing (she's a grown woman, she doesn't *need* help to get dressed!) but it feels like I'm sealing my own fate of being denied, if that makes sense.  And during our session there were a few times where I was walking around with my erection which is really an erotic feeling for me.  It sorta ended with us being in the bathroom and me seeing her in her PJs doing her makeup removal/bedtime routine while I was there naked and hard.

Sure, I'm horny, but I got my tease and denial and CFNM kink in big time!

Funny, even though I washed my hands I can still smell her pussy scent faintly. Isn't that hot! Is that normal?!

I'm in love!

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Rules of Engagement

As you may recall, Suzy and I had some pretty sexy times with Desperate Housewives.  We are currently binge-watching the sitcom, "Rules of Engagement".  Bear in mind, I don't watch TV much (except sports and whatever's visually interesting when I'm on the treadmill) so I had never even heard of the show until I came across it on Netflix.

We just started Season 4.  Sex is a pretty common topic on the show, thus my post.  If you are not aware, it involves these main characters:

Long term married couple that can't conceive.  Frequently make jokes about being married for "so long" (only 13 years!  Newbies!).  They are both professionals and seem to really love each other.  Jeff is a bit of a knucklehead and Audrey is super forgiving and loving to him.  According to her, sex is "fine" but they are generally discrete.  They like to make fun of Jennifer/Adam because they have no idea what they're in for (in married life), and make fun of Russell because he's small and has girly hair, and is a male slut and a bit of a bad human being.

Both professionals and working towards their eventual wedding.  They have sex all the time (they're engaged!) and sleep naked.  Adam was raised by hippies and is a bit naive and effeminate at times.  Jennifer likes to do girly things like shop and watch romantic vampire movies.  They are super open about talking about sex and don't really keep anything secret.  They like to make fun of Audrey/Jeff because they are "old" and Russell because he's a male slut and a bit of a bad human being.

Is a "player" that openly criticizes the whole concept of marriage and swears to being e a bachelor for the rest of his life. Has no morals, really. He brags about how much sex he gets, and makes fun of the other couples as having a boring lifestyle.  He criticizes Audrey/Jeff for being so boring and old and not having as much sex as him, and makes fun of Jennifer/Adam for their decision to get married, and the inevitability of becoming like Audrey/Jeff.

At any rate, a lot of the plots center on sex.  Which I like.  Lots of stereotyping.

Comparing to Desperate Housewives, the cast/sets aren't as attractive and apart from Russell's willingness to say anything to get any female in bed, they don't deceive one another like in DH.  DH was known for its deception, cheating, etc.  This is more about making fun of what each other is missing, in all their iterations of being "engaged".

We have several seasons to go, and I look forward to seeing them with Suzy.  Hoping that our binge watching leads to binge sex.  And BTW, lover, please let me know if you are reading the blog and what you think!

Monday, July 9, 2018

Weekend Denial

Suzy and I had a romantic weekend up North.  We were able to check in early Saturday; when we got to the room, we moved our luggage up, then I rested a few minutes on the bed.  She went into the restroom, I got the Hitachi out and wanted it to be ready to go for when we played.  She lay on the bed and then seemed to be playful so I used the Hitachi on her; it didn't reach and I asked her to move and she pretended to protest.  I realized there was another outlet closer, so I quickly made my move to shift over to that one, and sorta reached between her legs (she was laying on her stomach).  She didn't protest any more, it had been a little while (too long!) since her last orgasm and she seemed to be enjoying it.  She kept getting kinda close, then I reached underneath her to add a little more pressure to her clit.  She came HARD.  One of her patented spectacular orgasms.  I made an innocent little comment that it had been too long, and as usual she sorta acknowledged how pleasurable it was and after a bit of "basking" got up and said let's go explore.

Long story short, we had a really good time together, but we drank much more than normal.  We had a fantastic dinner, eating too much, frankly, and then we went to some wine/beer bar with a musician.  That's where I should have stopped, but instead had a a few more beers and Suzy had another wine or two.  Well, it was basically too much.  We walked back to the hotel and played but Suzy later said she was not feeling good.  I put a condom on but had erection issues.  She came a second time and we basically just passed out together.

The next morning we had a CFNM cuddle fest.  She was wearing a sexy top from my alma mater; the reason why it's sexy is because it has a huge amount of access to her breasts.  I groped and grabbed her for hours.  She wasn't feeling well, and didn't want to play again.  However, I had some quality naked time with her, almost always being erect or at least semi erect.  I think she thinks my kink is very weird sometimes, but it's clearly something I enjoy and she seems ok with playing along with it; she would peak in to watch me shower, ask me to soap up my cock and balls, etc.  We've been talking a bit more about retirement and the topic naturally went to how often I'd be naked when that finally happens.  She seems pretty ok with it, for now.

Interestingly, on our way back, I brought up sex a few times and she quickly changed subjects.  She didn't seem to notice that I hadn't had an orgasm.  She sorta promised that we would play Sunday night, but I got cock blocked by a visitor, so I just went to bed horny again.  Maybe tonight.  I have a huge load, and very blue balls right now.

I love Suzy.

Friday, July 6, 2018

Being told what to do

I'm very different in the bedroom with Suzy than in the real world.  I've always HATED being told what to do, mainly because it belittles me and makes me feel unvalued for my creativity.

However, in the bedroom, I love it.  I guess this is yet another example of the role reversal that turns me on so much.  Two examples over the past week:

1. "You better pack condoms for our vacation"
Most of our sex lately has been handjobs or condom wearing sex.  Interestingly, my post "Condom Domination" is one of my all time most popular posts.  Long story short, I had my vasectomy well over ten years ago, and Suzy takes oral BC, so wearing condoms is strictly for convenience (for her) and not for birth control reasons.  Throughout our marriage, she has been reluctant for me to ejaculate inside her when we are not in our own bed.  Examples I can think of include when we had sex in our van, sex at her parents' house, and sex in hotels.

During our vacation sex last week, I entered her bareback and Suzy reminded me to put a condom on.  So she was quite serious about enforcing this, essentially telling me to go get a condom.  I find that hot.  Even though my unwrapped insertions were brief, they did act to help with the foreplay, getting her ready for her orgasm.  She would then take the vibrator as I went to fetch the condom and begin her journey towards orgasm, while I rolled it on, then performed as expected, see below.

2. Telling me how to fuck her
It's no secret to longtime readers that Suzy's best orgasms happen with my cock or my finger inside her pussy with a vibrator on her clit.  I recently postulated to her that it seems similar to my handjob orgasms during which she strokes my cock as well as stimulates my balls.  That additional stimulation usually makes my own orgasms that much more powerful.  At any rate, I figure there's an analogy there.

Alas, I know exactly how she likes to orgasm.  She likes my cock or finger to SLOWLY stimulate the upper wall of her pussy with a strong vibrator (Hitachi) on her clitoris with a lot of pressure.  She's pretty direct to me, "SLOW"!  Right before the moment of truth, when her orgasm is inevitable, she likes the movement to be stopped completely while her pussy clenches down on the penetrating object in a rhythmic manner.  It's so sexy to feel (easier with my finger than my cock) and sometimes I have watched these sexy female contractions.

My outside the bedroom self would be annoyed at her telling me what I already know, how she climaxes best.  However, I find it so sexy when she tells me what to do.  It's so hot having a wife that likes to orgasm, knows her body well enough to come the hardest, and has the confidence to express (demand?) it to her partner.