We are having end of the year craziness and not having any time together. I feel like a lovesick puppy.
I am feeling two things. I absolutely crave being dominated by her. I am 100% sub. When she dominates me, I feel alive, accepted, and loved. It isn't that my love for her is contingent on her being dominant with me, but it does enhance it in a way I can't fully explain.
I kept my kinky desires from her for many years. I've always been a very sexual person with a high libido (polite way of saying I am always horny). During the first 15 years of our marriage, she was never open to doing anything kinky. I am so grateful that the past few years she is opened to it. And she really does enjoy it. She enjoys controlling my orgasms, ball torture, and her own climaxes. She likes our sex play.
Female sexuality is amazing to me, I still can't figure it out. I am a very analytical person. I know that if I shake a martini, I am going to enjoy drinking it. To me, this is a very straightforward antecedent -> reward situation. Hearing the noise of the ice banging in the shaker makes me happy ~ I know I'm going to get something good. I've never not enjoyed a martini. Even a bad martini (say, too much or too little vermouth or no twist) is still REALLY good, and I enjoy.
Likewise, my wife REALLY enjoys her orgasms. For reasons that aren't obvious to me, her climaxes have improved by orders of magnitudes. It's hard to define if I am jealous or simply in awe of her sexuality. My own orgasms, frankly, seem to be diminished. Not sure why.
But my wife doesn't seem to have a clear antecedent (sex play with me) -> sexual/relationship fulfillment. She doesn't say to herself, "if I play with my husband, it will draw us closer in intimacy and I will experience earth-shattering pleasure". Even though that's a true statement (from both of our perspectives), she doesn't have that kind of motivation. She gets caught up, lost in the worries of employment/family life. In her words, she doesn't have time for that.
I would love to be at her beck and call, sexually. To be "forced" to give her cunnilingus every night to "relax" her for the troubles of the next day. It is my submissive fantasy to be her sex slave.
If we were to switch roles, and I were the dominant and she were submissive - and I could "demand" fellatio every night, and she enjoyed that act and submitting in that way, I would have no problem "requiring" a blowjob every night. I love receiving a blowjob. She hates giving me a blowjob. It's just not in the cards.
So, what to make of this? Perhaps it is the curse of having mis-matched libidos. This seems to be pretty common with couples. I do know that I love my bride more than ever and I want to be with her all the time. It's not 100% sexual, not by a long-shot. But exploring our fantasy life has definitely enhanced our intimacy together, no question about it. And while vanilla sex is fun and better than no sex -- I really have no desires to go back to "vanilla". I love her dominating me way too much. I am a lovesick puppy for her.