Saturday, May 19, 2012

Love Languages

We went to a marriage conference last fall.  It was much needed and very helpful to our relationship.  At the conference, we got a number of books on family and marriage.  We got an audio book on "The Five Love Languages".  We listened to it together on the way back, so I get the general gist of what it's about.  Suzy completed listening to it and I think she expected me to do the same.

One of my recent finds is the Disheveled Domina blog.  I have found her interviews of dominant women to be interesting.  In fact, a blogging topic I've had for a long time is for me to conduct a self-interview and to interview my dominant wife Suzy.  In any event, each of the dominant woman were asked, toward the end of the interview, what their love language was.  DD also posted a link to a questionnaire that help to uncover what your "love languages" are.  I took the quiz.  I can't say I was overly surprised.
The general premise of this book is that you interpret love in a particular way; and catastrophe can strike if your lover does not demonstrate love for your in that way.  For example, if I need to have my lover physically touch me a lot and she does not, I will get frustrated.  She needs to "speak" my love language and I need to speak hers.
I took the test, as did Suzy.  My top score was "physical", and "words of affirmation" was not that far behind:
11: Physical Touch
8: Words of Affirmation
5: Quality Time
4: Acts of Service
2: Receiving Gifts

All of these things are desirable.  But my top ones are how I want love to be shown to me.  The best recent example was one night she was caressing my chest and she said something like "wow, I can really tell you are working out.  You look great".  That simple statement hit two of my main love languages at the same time.  She was physically touching me, and she was affirming the progress I have made with my fitness.  I interpreted that I was attractive to her.  I talk about my workouts pretty regularly, so she knows that it is an important part of my life.  I still remember how awesome it made me feel when she did that (it was before I took the quiz).  With this Love Languages paradigm, it certainly makes sense that that got me so worked up.
I find it rather interesting that after being together ~20 years, I still get the chills when she touches me.  My pulse still races when I am naked and she "inspects" my body, or teases me, or gives me foreplay.
How do I interpret this with regard to our female dominant/male submissive play?

Physical touch
I relish when she touches my body.  We usually cuddle in a spoon position, with me on the outside holding her body.  Lately I have noticed how loved I feel when we do the opposite: when she is on the outside and she is holding me, wrapping her arms around my chest.  I love that.

Just this morning, as I was trying to wake up and check out my usual blogs, she came up to me and looked at what I was doing.  She discretely pinched my right nipple and I think she could tell I was getting a surge of eroticism from it.  I kissed her and she smiled.  I love physical touch.  It makes me feel loved.

Being a masochistic sub, that physical touch could be what I described above, or rough cock and ball torture.  I think just about any touch will do.

I find this image to be deeply erotic.  His lover is assertively groping his body, enjoying the reaction from his cock.  Her left hand appears to be digging into his abdomen, implying that she enjoys being rough with him.  I love to be physically touched by my Queen.  I interpret that as love.

Words of affirmation
I have used an analogy a few times with Suzy: if she were asked to rate her sex life, on a scale of 1-10, I want her to answer a ten.  No, I don't want her to lie.  I want her to honestly answer that I am a ten in satisfying her sexual needs.  If I am not a ten, I want her to tell me what I need to do to get here there.  I want her to brag to her friends how sexually satisfied she is (not that she would do that, but a sub can fantasize).

I like it when she verbally affirms that she is enjoying our sex play.  The ultimate affirmation, I suppose, is her fantastic climaxes.  What could be more affirming that she enjoys sex than an earth-shattering, toe curling, moaning orgasm?  That says to me: yes, you hit the right spot!

With regard to our current male chastity play, it looked like this: I asked her if she thought about holding my key much (I am constantly reminded of being denied by her as a result of the chastity device she clicked the lock on a week ago yesterday).  She said she did, as she can feel the key during the day.  She has the key safety-pinned to her bra most times, and she told me she moved it to her thong the other day.

Likewise, I love it when she tells me that she enjoys what she is doing to me.  There have been times that she wasn't interested in sex play but indulged me in some cock and ball torture.  After doing so, she got turned on and wanted to climax.  That is also very affirming: playing with my body was so fun and exciting that she went from not interested to horny.  That's sexy, and I love the affirmation that she is having fun and enjoying our sex play.

Lest I not forget: her dirty talk is very affirming.  I feel a post on dirty talking coming soon.  I love that.

Honey I told you, no spacers this time. Last week you almost got a full erection!
I chose this as an image of affirmation because the woman is applying the lock to her submissive while he passively allows her to lock him up in chastity, knowing he will not experience orgasm until she wants.  To me, that affirms that she wants to be in control, that she enjoys the power exchange dynamic.

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I will have to have a follow up post on Suzy's love languages.  I don't remember them all, but I do know that we were not fully lined up.  Physical touch was one of her lowest.  In discussing this with her, the insight we obtained was that she really doesn't like it when I come up and grope her.  It's not that I am insensitive to her about this, it's just an example where I am projecting my sense of love onto her... which, I believe, is what the 5 Love Languages is all about.  So, if an ass is to be grabbed in our household, it should be mine =P

1 comment:

  1. Interesting post. I found the link and took the test. Well, my results don't show a clear preference. And of course, they are not actionable on their own. I would need my partner's ones, as well.

    As for your planned post on dirty talk: I'm looking forward to it. René once wrote one on "Submissive Dirty Talk", in which he didn't really find a solution to the problem of what the submissive partner might say. It seems to be a general issue, because there is still quite a number of people who come to our site by searching for "submissive dirty talk", or, like today, "how to talk dirty and be submissive".
    So, if you have any ideas as to what submissive dirty talk could look like, please do include them in your post.