Monday, January 16, 2012

What a sub wants, what a sub needs

I think my Queen Suzy is going through a bit of a soul-searching with regards to FLR.  We had a discussion about this a few days ago and did not really arrive at a conclusion as to what, if any, adjustments to make.  I have intentionally backed off to give her some space.  Complicating this circumstance is the fact that she is sick.  When Suzy is sick, she generally wants to be left alone.  I thought she was getting better, but I heard her cough a lot at night.
In spite of her illness, Suzy has persisted in her exercise routine and says she has lost 7 pounds.  Very nice!  We bought a $50 jog bra for her and I just wanted to say how proud I am that she is XL.  Am I worthy of such a rack?  I hope so!

My own routine has had ups and downs.  I am an avid reader of workout stuff and have been incorporating new lifts.  I am trying to follow the advice of mixing up your routine.  My weight has generally stayed the same, I still have about 10 pounds to lose.  But I am getting stronger.  I am a bit frustrated in my lack of progress on bench presses.

I digress.  I wanted to give Suzy food for thought as to how I feel about our femdom play.

Sex play is important to me
Like most (all?) men, sex is very important to me.  Apart from procreation, I think God invented sex for couples in order to maintain a strong bond between them.  Suzy and I were raised very differently and have pretty diverse views on things.  But it's difficult for me to be upset with her when we have a robust sex life.

A bit of nerdy nomenclature here: I frequently use the term "sex play" on this blog a lot.  For reasons that I can only speculate on, our sessions of cock/pussy penetration during our intimate times has dropped off a lot recently.  I think to some people, including Suzy, that is what sex is - male penetration.  I feel very bonded to her with "sex play" in many other ways.  If she ties me up, teases me, receives a powerful orgasm and leaves me with blue balls ~ I feel very bonded to her from that.  I recognize that she is going outside her comfort zone.  I realize that she is doing this out of love.  But to me, that creates the intimate bonding experience that I crave.  It is part of a satisfying sex life, even though that some people would say that we aren't engaged in sex per se.  I guess I would define sex as to when my dominant wife has indicated she is done with the session.
A robust sex life is very important to a marriage, IMO.  It creates a powerful
bonding experience and deepens our emotional connection.  By "sex" I mean
that Queen Suzy is sexual satisfied, embracing her dominance and my submission,
if we are playing that way...

Making your partner happy
I talk about how much I love her to be sexually happy.  I get a lot of subhub satisfaction from that.  But take another example.  Her oil change was due.  She was at a movie and I had some time I didn't know what to do with.  I thought I would just screw around some, but then I thought about how much she would appreciate it if I did it for her.  I had the opportunity, so I took it.  She was very appreciative.  But there is something more to it for me.  We went to a marriage retreat/seminar lately, and they used the term "be a student of your spouse".  I think that is solid advice.  I sensed intuitively that this was something she really didn't want to do.  I had an opportunity to take care of it for her.  it was a win-win.
Making your spouse happy is a noble goal.  I don't believe that people can't
change.  We are constantly growing and I am continuing to learn new things about
Suzy.  Who knew ball busting would make her horny?  Sometimes you just luck out.
Likewise, I am a kinky pervert.  I realize that Suzy goes out of her comfort zone at times.  I want her to know that I appreciate that.  A major point of this blog is to communicate my sexual desires to her.  There are some aspects that I think she actively enjoys (controlling my orgasm, cock and ball torture), some she will do on occasion (prostate play, spanking) and some that may or may not happen (doing me with a strapon).  It doesn't seem like she is comfortable discussing these sorts of things 1:1, but I am coming to realize that this blog is an important feedback mechanism for her.  It could help us to become students of each other.

There seems little doubt in my mind that I enjoy being the submissive partner and the power exchange that comes from our femdom play.  I think Suzy enjoys it too, but it seems like she needs to mull through what she wants.  In the past, she thought that reading Uniquely Rika would help her to clarify that.  I don't think that's every happened.  Even though the oil change deal was an intuition I had with her, I don't always intuitively understand her needs.  As a recent example, I did not know how important to her that blogging about our sexual experiences were to her with regards to affirming her, for lack of a better word, "performance".  I am thinking about drafting up a "femdom" contract and having her give feedback.  I think that would be helpful to me in better solidifying and clarifying what I can do as a sub to make her happier.

I am the kind of guy that gets annoyed that there are only 3 ways to get to work.  I crave variety.  I don't think I would be fulfilled with a missionary position 2x per week sex life.  I suspect that is why I am enjoying our female dominant / male submission role.  There are a lot of things to try out.  Shared experiences - even when they are awkward and unsuccessful - are great bonding experiences.  Sex doesn't always work out the way you intend it to.  My most embarrassing moment, sexually speaking, was one time as I was ejaculating in her pussy, I began to fart.  It "ruined" my orgasm because it was distracting and embarrassing, and it wasn't funny at the time.  But it is a bonding experience in the sense that we can laugh about it now.

Likewise, shared loving experiences are bound to be a positive for drawing us closer.  Right now, I am fantasizing about stepping up my experience of pain and CFNM play.  I enjoy her pushing my limits.  We have lots of toys that she can use to explore my pain threshold (errr, use of that electrical device thingy we bought, nipple torture and use of the clothespins generally, and the hot wax from the candles?).  I am intrigued by the concept of a "maintenance spanking", that some femdom couples use to reinforce who's in charge.  And I have really been fantasizing a lot about Suzy wearing a full on dress, with high heels and gloves (have I mentioned before how sexy I think long women's gloves are???)  and me being bound naked.  I may need to take a cold shower now.

Being naked and vulnerable before her - literally and figuratively - is a rush for me.  I enjoy
pushing the limits of our sex play, assessing our feelings about it, and making adjustments.
There is a lot of trust involved in this power exchange.  It is fun to give and receive feedback
and to increase our collective sexual satisfaction.  I feel like we are in a win-win situation:
I enjoy giving control to her and she seems to enjoy having it.  Pinch me - am I dreaming?

It is really therapeutic for me to reveal my deep, dark fantasies to her.  I felt a tremendous sense of relief when I "came out" to her and told her that I want to submit to her.  I have been harboring fantasies of her playing with another male for a while, and it is fun to openly discuss it, even if it never happens.  The marriage relationship should be the most open and honest one on this earth.  And being fully naked - physically and emotionally - before her is deeply satisfying to me.  It can be very scary, and I appreciate how accepting she is of that.
Whether or not Suzy chooses to employ the services of a hot, young stud is not
necessarily the point.  The point is that I feel very connected to her when I can
be open and honest to discuss these kinky fantasies with her.

*  *  *  *  *
I sort of feel like it's her move as to where things go.  Maybe things were too intense for her, maybe she was tired of juggling work and family life and 'dealing' with a submissive husband while she was sick.  I don't know.  I feel that given her comments the other night that she does not want me to initiate sex play. Not sure.  I am hoping for some feedback.  Did I mention that I enjoy making her happy?  What should I do?  An inquiring sub wants to know!


  1. Once Suzy is feeling better, you'll have the chance to talk more about the status of your FLR. Things tend to fall to the wayside when people are sick. Happened in our house recently. Just about everything was off...I was hanging free all week, we had zero sex, no intimacy. Now things are returning to "normal".

    I can identify with a lot of your post.

  2. Just a random comment based on one thing you said....

    If you explore hot wax play with candles, make sure you get the right type of candles. Bees wax or scented ones are really hot and can leave nasty burns. Stick to the pure paraffin wax ones.

    I really enjoy wax play, it can almost be relaxing in it's own way, but you probably want to avoid permanent scars.

    Apologies if you already knew all this and I was just stating the obvious. Oh, and I hope Suzy and you figure out the right way to deal with FLR and its issues. Sounds like a tricky thing to get right and maintain.


  3. LH: thanks for the comment. I think she is feeling better and we had an impromptu date night for coffee. Things are good!
    Paltego: thanks for the tip! We've never tried that before!