Friday, September 9, 2011

FLR Blues

Suzy exercising her authority
I hope Suzy isn't bothered by this
photo; the dominance and
submission here really turns me on
 Our FLR and our sex life in general are on hold.  There are many reasons for this: job stress, I am under the weather, many outside of school child activities, etc.  We had a brief moment to talk together the other day.  Queen Suzy brought up comments on her blog site, and remarked that many of the subhub blogs on my blog list (the one to the right) indicate that others' FLR's are also on hold.  Perhaps this is the season to put off husband domination.  To top it off, my wife received the following comment on her blog:

From reading both your blog and his, it is not clear to me that he truly wants an FLM -- he seems mostly interested in writing about his fantasies and getting you to fulfill them. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's definitely not an FLM. 

In an FLM, the husband surrenders his fantasies and submits to the wife's authority. His pleasure and fulfillment come from serving and obeying her. It can happen by degrees, but that's the essence of it. One thing he cannot do is deliberately provoke her in order to be punished. 

My suggestion to you is that you have a honest discussion with your husband about what he wants and about what you expect. If they don't jibe or if you're uncertain of his commitment regardless of what he says, you may wish to defer an FLM until he is ready to commit. 

My personal experience tells me that FLMs work best when there is a written contract negotiated by husband and wife and signed by both. But, that's another discussion!

This comment was from "EB".  As I was preparing her breakfast, she mentioned this comment  specifically; I became erect and formed an erection "tent" in my pajamas (not because I agreed or disagreed with the comment, but because it excited me that she brought up the subject to me).  I asked her if she agreed with the sentiment and she said she did.  I have been thinking about this remark since then, trying to wrap my head around it.  Here are my initial thoughts:

  • While I don't know that I entirely agree, I do appreciate the comment from 'EB'.
  • A primary function of my blog is to articulate my fantasies.  Suzy acknowledges this, and I believe enjoys hearing about them.  Suzy has historically not been comfortable discussing sex 1:1 with me, so this is a mechanism that we can use to discuss my innermost fantasies.  During our intimate times, Suzy may or may not discuss this with me.  But, as far as I can tell, Suzy enjoys reading my blog.
  • I think it's reasonable to conclude that my blog is focused on sex and sexual fantasies.  I consider the dominant (lol) theme to be my desire to submit to her in a sexual way.  I agree that most of my interest in this is bedroom play.  I realize from various websites and blogs that some feel strongly that FLR's must extend beyond the bedroom.  I have mixed feelings about this; I suspect that this topic would have to be covered in multiple posts.  Suffice it to say that there are some elements of outside the bedroom submission that interest me (her telling me what to do), and some that don't ("financial control", withholding my input on child-rearing).
  • I think that 'EB' would agree (as most do) that FLR's are defined within a particular relationship, and there is no one-size-fits-all.  I guess for me, as with many other things, FLR is very sexual.  Suzy seems to enjoy controlling me sexually, so I think we are mutually satisfied with that element of dominance/submission.
  • I generally agree that we ought to have some sort of FLR agreement as soon as Suzy figures out what she wants.  Maybe a three month trial run and then a mutual assessment.  There are certain limitations as to what level of outside the bedroom service I will accept/can handle.  We have had issues with this in the past and I think she understands my rationale.  It's not that I don't want to serve her, it's that with a demanding job and a desire to have some interaction with my kids, I really can't.  I have fantasized about being a "househusband" and doing all the chores naked, but that's just not practical right now.
  • I am open to the idea that maybe an FLR isn't what we both want or need.  I suspect that Suzy could just decide it's too much work for her, or that what she wants isn't compatible with what I want.  I don't know where that would leave us, what might change, etc.  That would be sad, I suppose, but entirely possible.
  • I had understood from Suzy that the primary blockage for our FLR was my topping from the bottom.  I feel that I have made some good progress on that.  I was hoping that eliminating this behavior, reinforced with her punishments for infractions, would increase her interest in FLR.
With those initial thoughts, I must confess that I am depressed.  I feel like we have not connected at all lately.  I am also depressed that I haven't had a quality erection in a while.  I am a sexual person, and withdrawing that erotic piece of our lives is disconcerting to me.

I welcome additional input, especially from 'EB'.  Thanks for your comment.  It's rare that Suzy goes out of her way to mention blog posts/comments to me, so you should be honored ;-)


  1. I'm sorry... I hope you feel better soon, and that Queen will tell you what she wants from you.
    Hang in there.

  2. I am only in a formal FLR since June so not sure how helpful this is but I think that I may have some insight. First off - while formal since June my FLR has been in place ever since I met my wife. She has always been in charge and always will be. I am guessing that is the same with you. Of course the dilema is just getting her to acknowledge things - which is all in the symantics. So while you say that the FLR is on hold I would guess that she is still in control. I'm sure you have had to be much more patient than I have at this point, but so far I'm thinking just hang in there through the downturns and keep doing what I need to be doing. I think part of the reason for me to write this is to make myself listen to my own advice!

  3. I wouldn't worry about conforming to a predefined label. It doesn't matter if you do or don't fit neatly into a FLR box, but it is important that you create a box that works for you and your wife.

    I see so many people getting caught up in being labeled, and that's what put my wife off for the longest time. What we have right now is more in line with DD (domestic discipline), but it's starting to evolve into something more; however, it will never be true FLR in the sense that most purists would view it, and I don't care. We're taking what works for us, and running with it.

    One of my favorite blogs in this area stated that he has a 51%/49% FLR, meaning that she has the final say in most things, but for the remainder of the time they work as a couple. My wife and I fit into that category too, for all the trivial stuff she has complete control over me. For the more important stuff, like raising kids, financial decisions, etc. then we work as a 50/50 team - that's what works for us.

    I wish you both the best as you move forward, and I hope you can pull out of the depression. Be happy together, life is too short not to be.

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