Tuesday, January 18, 2011

2011 Sex Resolutions

One important sex book I have read is Ian Kerner's "She Comes First".  My recollection from the book is essentially this:
  • Not many women can climax from penetration alone.  Of those that can, many have partners that can't last as long to get them there.
  • As a result, to be better sex partners, men should perform cunnilingus on their partners, bringing them to orgasm first, before male stimulation.  He suggest that instead of oral sex being "foreplay" it should really be the main event of partner sex, "coreplay".
  • After the woman has received her sexual adoration, then move on towards pleasure of the man.  By doing so, the male will be viewed as a better sex partner and the woman will be more fulfilled.  She comes first.
  • I recall a fairly lengthy discussion around the clitoris and how impressive it is.  I knew that it has no other biological purpose than sexual pleasure.  I hadn't realized that the clitoris is a fairly large and complex organ and there's more to it than just that little nub that I feel when I am going down on Suzy.  In short, the clitoris is awesome.
Well, She does come first!  Note the banana left by itself in the background....

I hadn't realized the complexity of the clitoris.  My tongue only reaches the "glans clitoris"but that sexual powerhouse "has legs" to it!!!
Kerner also writes a sex column for foxnews.com, and this one caught my attention.  It can be found here:

I thought it would be fun to go through this to see where I shape up.  Here goes:

Have sex at least once a week
Well, duh.  I would like to have sex every day.  Sex is free (except for our fairly extensive sex toy collection, lol), it's fun, and it's good for you.  I feel incredibly bonded and connected to Suzy when we've had sex play.  Sex is best when you let your guard down and tell your partner your most intimate thoughts and desires ~ no holding back.  Why wouldn't you have sex every day?  Well, life gets in the way.  You get tired.  You have to make it happen.  My guess is that a couple years ago, we had sex on average twice a week.  I am guessing that it's now something like 3 or 4 times per week at our peak, when all is right.  Awesome.

Engage in Choreplay
The idea here is that men get more tail if they help around the house.  Several studies have shown this.  I think I do my fair share around the house, so I am good on this one.

Go for 20 second hugs
Hugs stimulate oxytocin, which is a hormone associated with bonding.  Oxytocin floods a new mom's system; nature's way to ensure she cares for the newborn.  I am a pretty affectionate hubby and dad, so I think I'm good on this one.

Take a Porn Break
The article discusses that men who watch porn jerk off a lot and that saps them for partner sex.  I haven't masturbated in a long time, so I don't think that's a big problem.  Suzy doesn't want me watching porn.  We have seen a few porn movies together.  When I made my last purchase at the adult toy store, there was a section on "female friendly porn" right at the cash register.  There is a line of adult films by Playgirl.  I have never seen one of these, but my guess is that it focuses more on the woman's pleasure and that the men are probably "hunky".  I would be interested in watching this with her, but I don't think it's going to happen.  I don't think Suzy likes the idea of me seeing women.  Maybe she would go for gay porn?  That wouldn't turn me on, but her?

Be More Positive
I need help here.  I tend to be a bit pessimistic and stressed.  I am working on this.

Spend at least 21 minutes on foreplay
The odds of a woman climaxing go up significantly with increased foreplay.  I suspect that it isn't always 21 minutes, but she does get a fair amount of foreplay in most cases.  My foreplay is usually enjoying her orgasms.  I am rock hard when she comes.  I also read an article in Men's Health (or Fitness) that basically stated that a woman's ability to orgasm also goes up substantially with each different sex act performed.  That is to say, if you change positions and do cunnilingus and different moves, that will increase her chances of reaching the Big-O.  Not a problem, our sex play recently is focused on her pleasure.

Keep it fresh
Human beings get bored relatively quickly.  If we are going to have sex for 30-40 more years, we had better come up with ways to keep it interesting.  Sure, I've never had a bad orgasm, and my worst orgasm is still better than my best day at work.  But still.  We have to shift things.  One thing I really appreciate about Suzy is that she is a lot more open to things than she used to be.  She said to me the other day something along the lines of "sex is fun".  I think she used to have a negative attitude about sex.  She still doesn't like to talk about it (one reason she may be refraining from commenting here) but she is a lot more open than she used to be.

Stay Healthy
I am in pretty good shape but still have a belly.  I need to lose about 15 pounds.  I go to the gym pretty frequently, and I am about as strong as I've ever been.  I am really excited when Suzy "notices" and comments about my body.  The idea here is that all manner of good things occur when you are physically fit: better erections, included.

Share a Fantasy or two
No problemo here.  Part  of the benefit of this blog is that I can lay it out, she can absorb it or modify things, and then we can act, or not, on my perverted mind.  Suzy has even shared a few with me.  She indicated that she was embarrassed to carry it out, but I am grateful she discussed it with me and we may or may not try to act it out.  We have talked a bit about role playing, which really turns me on.  Most of my fantasies revolve around her being in a position of authority over me (big surprise, *wink, wink*).  Think nurse/patient, Queen/slave, cop/wrongdoer, warden/prisoner, etc.

Ladies First, gentlemen
This is really what "She Comes First" is all about.  No problem here.  I can't remember the last time she didn't orgasm before me.  When I am not being denied orgasm, she generally climaxes first, and then we move to intercourse and I try to hold off so she comes a second time and then I come.  As a submissive, the thought of sex being for her pleasure is exciting.

The idea being you need to allow time with your spouse.  I can attest that it is pretty easy to get wrapped up in all the stuff life throws out at you.  "Society" is not thinking about how important it is to connect with your spouse and, yes, have mutually satisfying sexual relations with your partner.  Society seems to want to break us down, by overworking us, or glamorizing other "things".  Remaining married is a bit of an upstream swim.... the odds are stacked against us.  So to do otherwise requires some discipline and thoughtfulness.

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I've been "off the grid" for a while, for a variety of reasons.  Hope 2011 leads to much happiness!


  1. Sounds like a great book for a man interested in a Wife Led Marriage

  2. Thank you for this helpful list, and the reminders. I think while I do please Wife first, I need to lay more off porn (ugh, including hot blogs!) and not get bummed if She doesn't want to have sex with me as often as I want. Thank you.

  3. I don't want to over-inflate my cunnilingus skills. I do enjoy going down on her because it makes me feel submissive (let's face it, that act is all about getting her off!) and it sometimes brings her to orgasm. My guess is that I am successful with getting her to climax about half the time. Sometimes, it just doesn't happen, and we don't know why. Sometimes she comes after just a few minutes of my tongue, and other times I can get her there after 15 min but sometimes it doesn't seem to be in the cards. It's part of the mystery (and thus allure) of the human female, I suppose :-)

    I probably should re-read that book and look for other techniques! I do follow the main advice though, and make sure she comes first!