Sunday, November 21, 2010

Screwed up

Suzy and I exchanged sexy texts since the day she denied me.  Several times during the day she asked if I was still frustrated and she seemed happy with my affirmative responses.  I told her that I was looking forward to playing again, and that it was up to her if I orgasm.  She pretty much said that I was not going to, but it wasn't really that clear as to whether she would tease me, allow me to give her an orgasm, or what.  She even sent me an IM saying she was thinking about having me locked in the chastity cage (!).

When the "moment of truth" was near, I lit a candle (I've always liked candles), locked the door, stripped naked and got under the bed while she was doing her bed routine in the bathroom.  She came out in her flannel PJs and basically wanted to just cuddle and go to bed.  She blew out the candle, unlocked the door, and slipped into bed.  I tried to kiss her and I rubbed my erection on her (which she likes, except for when I have pre-cum).  I was OK with her denying me orgasm, but I really wanted her to come.  There are times when my desire for her to climax approaches an obsession - even more powerful than my desire for my own sexual release before our female dominant play started.  She just wanted to go to bed and feel my frustration intensify.  I tried to persuade her a few times but she did not want any sex play.

I really didn't handle this well.

While I am submissive, I really don't like to be shot down or disrespected.  Sometimes she will put me down, and I really don't go for that (although I know there are a number of submissive men that do).  I have a number of paradoxes to be sure, but this aspect is one area that I am not that open to.  In retrospect, I felt like she was putting me down and not really acknowledging me (and the sexual frustration that I was going through).  I did not react well, and we had a bit of a fight.  Which could have just ended the matters, with me being frustrated sexually and that's that.

But I screwed up.  We ended up talking and having a rather nasty fight.  There are some relationship stuff that haven't been worked out and that just boiled to the surface when things escalated.

I really am sorry for my reaction.

Trying to humbly apologize for my transgression
One of her subsequent emails said that she is done with the woman lead marriage thing.  We haven't really spoken a lot about that, but that really bums me out.  I really *feel* that is what I need and want.  I think she enjoys it too.  I screwed up by not accepting her decision.  I hope that we can revisit this again.

As it stands, we are going out on a date night tonight.  I have no expectations about anything sexual happening.  I really just hope that we have fun.  I don't really even want to talk about our "issues".  We are in a very very rare circumstance where the kids have sleepovers and we will actually be alone tonight.  Had my screw up not occurred, I would pretty much guarantee that some wild kinky stuff would happen.  We have a number of sex toys what we haven't tried yet.  The one good thing is that we are going to have a dinner AND a movie, and Suzy seemed to be ok with stopping in at the adult bookstore (it is kind of on the way back home, although I am not sure when it might close).  Perhaps she will find a paddle to whip my ass?

The power exchange in the female lead marriage dynamic is very fun for me as a sub hub.
At any rate, I screwed up on several levels.  It's clear that we need to resolve some of the issues that we have.  But I am hoping that I can get her to understand that I want to keep trying the FLR (female lead relationship) dynamic.  I am not sure what I might need to do to convince her of that.  Our sex life has never been better.

So, any feedback on how to get back into the groove would be helpful!


  1. SRTR - Hi have just found your blog and read this entry. I will need to start from the begining and catch up.

    From what you describe in this entry, you sound as though you have made a bad mistake. I won't comment much further at this stage, other than to say you need to prove to your wife that you are serious about being wife led and that it is not just about what you want in the bedroom, when you decide it is needed.

    I have taken many years to work up to where I am today with Jane. It may not be what you or others feel that they want or need, but if you can't bring your wife along on this journey it will never work for you both. Either she is in charge or she's not, she has to feel that and you have to get used to respecting her needs and desires

  2. Yes, I made a mistake.

    I don't know how to recover from this. I don't know whether she is going to continue reading my blog, although it is therapeutic for me to do so even if she doesn't.

    We are out for a bit, staying with a relative, and I am letting her drive for now. She is done with her period, and she allowed me to give her a nice orgasm this morning via manual masturbation. She did not seem inclined to stimulate me, so I just let that be. I am under the impression that she does not want me to have any sexual relief until we return.

    We have been otherwise getting along much better. I am interested to here any subsequent comments you might have.